The Poopocalypse of 2018
It happened this morning. I figured it would happen at some point, but I didn’t think today was the day.
I was watching the kids while Jenni went to pick up her nanny clients’ kiddos. We were playing with Legos while I enjoyed a cup of tea.
But out of nowhere, our toddler comes running around the corner, frantically taking her clothes off.
The smell follows shortly.
I stand up and arm myself with a fresh diaper and a pack of wipes. The battle begins…
She’s down to just her diaper now and I get to see what I’m working with: a total shit show.
It’s everywhere. It’s pouring out of the diaper.
I lay her down and unstrap the diaper. The smell is overwhelming. I defend myself by pulling my shirt over my nose.
I get the wipes out and – nope – there’s a gag.
I hold it off and keep going.
Gag #2 hits hard and I throw my hand up to my mouth to fight it off. The wipes continue.
Gag #3, however, did me in. I puke INSIDE my shirt.
At first it was just a little, so I grabbed the poopy diaper and bolt towards the kitchen. I still have time!
Three strides away from the trash can and I lose it. I vomit ALL down the front of my shirt. I puke again in the trash can.
I’m losing this fight…
I take my shirt off, smearing my own vomit all over the front of my stomach/chest, my face, and into my hair.
I come back into the dining room shirtless, covered in vomit, and panting for breath. The 5 year-old notices what’s going on and says, “What’s happening?” To which I respond, “… I don’t feel well.”
“Oh, okay! Can I have some juice?”
I grab a towel to wrap around my head and turn the corner for round 2.
The toddler got up, smeared shit all over the floor, and now the kitten in investigating the situation.
I clean her up, manage to put the diaper on backwards, clean up the floor, clean off the kitten, wipe the vomit off myself, wash my shirt in the sink, and take the trash out.
5 minutes later Jenni comes home with a big smile on her face and says, “What happened in the living room? Why are you shirtless? Hahaha”
“If only you had seen what happened 10 minutes ago. Hahaha ahhh… It was a shit show.”
I was totally that guy. I don’t know how moms do it. Being a step-dad will be hard, but I’m not the type to back down from a challenge.
Now I’m heading off to work! It’s been a full day already and it’s only 10am.
Guest Post Written by Bryan Sekine of SecretsofSushi.com